Holy CRAP! What have I done? I cant believe that, in only 5 years I’ve managed to completely forget what a stupid, crazy, dumb idea it is to have a baby. Here’s the short answer. You can kiss your social life a long, passionate kiss goodbye. Also wave farewell to a good nights rest, sanity and having a decent meal. That shit goes right out the window. Guaranteed. And to make matters worse, this time round we were blessed with a premature baby, born at 34 weeks. Can you say stress and hard work?
I feel like I’m stretched thin. Like plastic wrapping that’s covered too many pies. I have to feed my little bundle of joy every 3 hours. Night times included. This takes roughly 45 minutes because the little shit is too lazy to eat and he falls asleep after the first three mouthfulls. Mommy has to tickle/talk to/change nappy/wipe face with wet cloth/etc to try and wake him up. It poops, we change the nappy, then it’s over to the other boob, it poops again (right under mommy’s nose by the way), nappy, back to the first boob, poop some more, nappy, tickle, shout, swear, boob, headache, and again, because we’re breastfeeding, the only pills we’re allowed to take is some pansy arsed paracetamol. Yay. Ok, so after the baby is fed we have to burp, burp, burp. Wrap in a blanket and put to sleep, which takes around half an hour. So, 45 minutes to feed plus 30 minutes to put to sleep, that gives us an hour and 15 minutes if everything goes according to plan. Which leaves us with an hour and 45 minutes in which we can lie awake in bed feeling guilty about almost taking half his finger off while trying to clip those insanely small nails because he’s been scratching his own face off. Then we’re up again and it’s back to the boob, nappy, heart attack, and so forth. Every. Three. Hours. For about a million years.
Sometimes the damn diapers leak. You’d think that, after how many years of research or whatever, the diaper companies would have been able to produce an unleakable diaper, but noooo. If he doesn’t wake up he lies in a puddle of his own urine for an hour, probably freezing his tiny little nuts off! And after a diaper leak you’ve got to at least give the poor guy a bath. Newborn babies do not like to bath. Get some ear plugs for this. Mine is almost a month old and still screams as if we’re pulling his nails out one by one. During the bath you have to scramble in search of a clean set of clothes because, while you were tending to his every beck and call, you still haven’t had time to wash (using special baby washing powder), dry, fold and put away his clothes. So you end up putting him in some ugly oversized babygrow that someone gave you at the baby shower. Fuck it. It’s 3 o’clock in the morning and no one is going to see him like this so it works. Only you never get around to changing him into better fitting clothes the next day before your prim and proper next door neighbor rocks up with her perfect hairdo and a basket full of home made muffins and can she please just hold him for a bit because she’s starved for company and she really really really likes babies. Or something. The house is a mess, you have bags under your eyes and you’re still walking around in your nighties from three days back. Sleep when the baby is sleeping they say. Eat healthy while you’re breastfeeding they say. That’s if you even eat at all. I don’t know how single parents survive this. Hats off to them!